The Stages of Letting Go

Life Manual Newsletter No. 17

As I was writing this newsletter on The Stages of Letting Go, I saw some statistics on relationship breakdown, and the way that with each relationship, the chances of breakdown increase. It made me deeply aware of how much pain there is in our world, and how many people are feeling the pain of relationship breakdown, or struggling as they face that possibility or choice.

With that awareness, I felt it was important to go into greater detail on The Stages of Letting Go, than is possible in the length of this newsletter. Not only may we be suffering ourselves, but we all have friends who are struggling and would welcome some helpful insights. We need to let go of our ‘baggage’ when we are in relationship, not only if it ends. This article will help your understanding of what we need to let go of to bring our lives and relationships into True Perspective. Please share freely

Jeff Allen Question and Answer – Your Questions Please!!

Jeff will be answering your questions on all aspects of Letting Go in February, so please send them to me as soon as possible. Add a comment/question below of email to: christine@pov-lifemanual.com. We will make the Q & A recording available for you to download, along with a summary of the main points.

(We respect your privacy, so full names will not be used. Even if we are not able to use your direct question, we will make sure that the most common, as well as uncommon, questions are covered.

The Stages of Letting Go

This article builds on the concepts already covered in previous newsletters, Letting Go To Move Forward and Letting Go and Commitment. (You will find links in our Newsletters section in the right hand column.)  Download The Stages of Letting Go

It’s important to remember that no relationship can move forward while we are holding onto our grievances, or trying to change our partner. The only thing we can change is our own mind and heart. The joy is that as we change, our world changes. We will see all manner of amazing outcomes as we concentrate on our own personal healing and transformation.

Letting go of blame, guilt, expectations, healing our old heartbreaks and learning to love and care for ourselves, while choosing and committing to our own best life, will make a huge difference to all of our relationships. Although The Stages of Letting Go is written in the contexts of a relationship that is ending, it will also help you to understand what needs letting go in your present relationship.

Let Go and Trust the Outcomes

But please remember we cannot change in order to change others. We cannot let go with the aim of bringing a partner back, or closer, because then we are still holding on, and prone to manipulation. I have seen miraculous healing when people let go, are really willing to face their pain and their issues.

Sometimes it has been a huge healing, and later the two partners found true love at a whole new level. At other times the partner has moved on in their life, alone for now. Everything they healed in their letting go needed to be healed, or they would just repeat the same mistakes again. When we do that we multiply our heartbreaks and lose the power to feel love or loving at all.

I have also seen people who are willing to keep letting go of the pain and issues in their relationship, who are willing to commit wholeheartedly, keep moving forward to deeper levels of love and intimacy. As Jeff so often reminds us, remember to keep breathing through the pain – it is our own, and it was already there. The present pain has brought it all to our conscious awareness. Trust the outcome of your process too, remember that the Universe only wants the best for you, and be willing to be openhanded to the future as you work through the present difficulties.

Keeping Safe

Psychology of Vision is dedicated to the healing of all relationships, we do not heal alone. Recently Chuck Spezzano, the founder of Psychology of Vision, was asked about keeping safe if you are in an abusive relationship or where there is domestic violence. You can find Chuck’s response on Domestic Violence here. Keeping safe, and where there are children, keeping them safe, is very important. Please read this article if this is an issue for you. Although we may know that everything can be healed by healing ourselves, it is very important that we do not put ourselves in harm’s way.

Transformational Communication

Letting Go does not mean that we never talk about the issues in our relationship with our partner. Communication is essential to move foreward when we are still in relationship. However, what is needed is transformational communication, where we share our feelings to find win-win solutions. In addition to the 12 Principles of Transformational Communication on this site, that we have previously discussed, Chuck Spezzano has recently published Communication, The Bridge to Healing excellent guidance and insights into transformative communication. Highly recommended reading for everyone. As Chuck points out, communication lies at the heart of all of our relationships, and these pointers will help develop our expertise.

Further Resources

However, in a case where your partner has already left, to keep calling them will only delay your healing, and keep you holding on. It can also be difficult to know how to handle a separated partner making contact while you are letting go. Some suggestions to consider, based on Jeff’s guidance in Life Manual, are published as If S/he Contacts You.

For a deeper understanding of the process of Letting Go, with many exercises to help you move through and transform your experience, I recommend The Power of Letting Go: Chapter 10 of Life Manual.This deals with Letting Go in the wider contexs of how we always need to let go of our accumulated feelings and grievances about the past, to make a space for a better future.

Looking forward very much to receiving your questions for Jeff, who has just returned from the Trainers and Mastery workshops in Hawaii. Comments or questions on our Newsletters are also welcomed to the email address below, or by commenting on the Life Manual Newsletters online.

Warmest love to you all,
and every wish that we are all able to let go of the past to make way for a much better future.

Christine
email: christine@pov-lifemanual.com